Wednesday, September 7, 2005:
i hate having to make choices.. especially if the choice is over two of my really close friends. i didnt mean for things to happen out this way, why cant everybody just be friends, stop misunderstanding each other, and be really honest with each other? why cant everyone be like before.. and be happy? i really dont want either of you to be sad.. sigh. this is crazy. i dunno. maybe all three of us should just go on holiday, and come back, and say that everything is alright.
sometimes life seems such a blur. you dont know whats going on in your life, but it goes on past you, pushing you along, and it just leaves you in a complete daze. sigh. i dunno. nothing seems to be going the way you planned it or the way you wish it would go.. everyone seems so distant, so cold, unreliable. and i feel used, lost, sad, confused. a whole lot of feelings.
friends. doesnt seem like such a good idea to me anymore.. i'm just thankful for the few real ones that i have. even those that i have in school, some are just so.. two faced sometimes, you dont really seem to know if they are really the real person you are talking to. actually, i dont know why i'm writing all these. i should be happy. i should be glad, and thankful for everything that i have now. but, i guess, all these emotions are really. really. overwhelming.
was reminded about david and jonathan today, the close friendship that they had. how saul was jealous of david, of his wealth, his power, his title, his position, his glory, and most importantly his son. and no matter how saul tried to convince jonathan that david was going to steal all of jonathan's future, jonathan still chose friendship, over status. and how he tried to save david from being killed, and all that. its like. WOW you know. i wonder if i'll ever be that sacrificing for my friends.. sigh.. i'm not trying to imply anything, so YOU dont worry. its just that friend ship seemed so important, and i guess that's really true. i really dont know what i'd do without every body who stood by me every second of my way. thanks all of you..
i guess the most important thing is that god has a plan for everyone. so no matter how much you go through, its just to keep us safe in the end.. and thats the best thing can ever happen isnt it? anyway. i shall just end with a verse again.. "
trust the lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." proverbs 3:5-6
a shout of praise.
8:15 AM
